New Tool Review: Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville Margarita Mixer – Block Party Edition

Well, you know it’s a party when you bring out a Margarita mixer that measures capacity in cubic feet. With a 30 gallon capacity, you know you can get the whole neighborhood drunk and have enough blackmail material to retire in no time!

Wasting away again...I am very pleased with my mixer. At first, I was cruising Craigslist for a gas-powered, mega capacity, tow-behind¬†model, but it was very convenient to be able to run this thing under the house. Plus, it’s really not that loud, even when tumbling 160 pounds of… margarita mix. What’s better is that I bought the floor model, and Lowes gave me 10% off and it came completely assembled! Although I did hear from 5 employees “Wow! You’re buying that thing? I’ve never seen anybody buy one of those.” Made me feel good, you know, like the whole world knows a secret that you’ll find out when it’s too late. But the real reason no one bought one before is that the rest of Chamblee is just too lame to need a 4 cubic foot margarita mixer. Yep, that must be it.

So if you’re reading this now, that means that you’re too sober. Come on over and we’ll fire this thing up. I’m always ready to party.

New Tool Review – Digmaster 9000

Well, here it is y’all. The Digmaster 9000.

What you see here is simply the greatest feat of engineering that the world has ever seen. The Digmaster 9000 is 1.21 Gigawatts of pure digging prowess.

I love this new tool, and so do a lot of people. I am a little upset that current vernacular would allude to the Digmaster as a “shovel”, which clearly is unfortunate, but I will have to excuse my language–no, my species–for not having evolved enough to be able to adequately describe this masterpiece. Here are a couple of reviews I read before I decided on the Digmaster 9000.

The Digmaster 9000 is the greatest thing since I sliced bread. -Jesus
The Digmaster 9000 is 1000 more than the 8000.-Tim Allen
Cocaine is a helluva drug.-Rick James

Simply put, I have never in my life had a tool as great as this one. But don’t take my word for it. Come over and try it out for yourself. Maybe remove a cubic yard or two. I promise you won’t be dissapointed. Tomorrow would be good.